Be a rainbow in someone’s cloud

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

Only one side of my headphones works.

 

Why do you keep using them?

 

I can still listen to Sonny or Cher, Hall or Oates, and Simon or Garfunkel.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I had shoveled no snow in July, but it’s hot enough that I know stores will put out their Christmas stuff soon.

 

I was spinning tales in Arizona. It was hotter than it needed to be. I hiked a mountain trail with jaw-dropping views. I was feeling accomplished until a group of chanting airmen ran past me as if I were backing up. I returned to my hotel room like a humbled Odysseus returning to Ithaca.

 

Heat makes things expand. Therefore, Arizonans should be the size of bison. I checked with the CDC. West Virginia is the state with the highest adult obesity rate at 41.4%. Mississippi weighs in at 40.4%, and Louisiana has 39.2% of its adults classified as fluffy.

 

We were on the road. My wife needed a bio-break or a pit stop. She mentioned one convenience store that would be the perfect place, as they always had clean restrooms. I flashed back to the years when we would never have considered a stop at a gas station just because it’d have a clean restroom—a thing as rare as hen’s teeth.

 

HE WHO CONTROLS THE HARTLAND CONTROLS THE WORLD

I grew up on a farm outside of Hartland, Minnesota. There is a Hartland in Wisconsin, Connecticut, Maine, Vermont, New York, Michigan, Kansas and California. As a boy, I wanted to live in each of those. I’d include the Hartland in North Dakota, which is a ghost town, and the one in New Brunswick with the world’s longest covered bridge—1,282 feet. Hartland isn’t close to being the most popular city name in the U.S. Washington is, with Springfield second, and Franklin third. I’ve been to Washington, Iowa, and Lake Washington and Washington County in Minnesota. I’ve cast a shadow in Springfield, Minnesota, and peered at Springfield Township in Iowa. I’ve visited Franklin in Minnesota and Iowa.

 

I’VE LEARNED

Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has fallen to the floor if you pick it up within 7.3 seconds.

 

To stay away from the end of the driveway on trash day.

 

Rainy days and Mondays never bring me down.

 

Some baseball umpires work from home.

 

Governor Luther W. Youngdahl ran a strong campaign against gambling, pledging to rid Minnesota of slot machines and illegal vice as part of his moral reform platform. Critics and supporters alike labeled him the "Sunday School Governor.” He was elected in 1947.

 

Norwegians use the word "Texas" as slang to describe something that's crazy or out of control.

 

The average U.S. adult spends 9.5 hours a day sitting.

 

Elmer Fudd’s favorite singer isn’t Bad Bunny.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

I hate it when my wife says, "Are you listening to me?" It’s such an odd way to start a conversation.

 

Where does a mansplainer get his water? Well, actually…

 

My car will seat five people with no problem, but I don’t know five people without problems.

 

A dinosaur tibia was dug up near Matawan. It was quite a shindig.

 

NATURE NOTES

Neither nail polish nor petroleum jelly is an effective treatment for chigger bites. It's a myth that those things suffocate chiggers, as chiggers don't burrow into the skin and are gone by the time you notice the bite. Take a bath or shower and scrub your skin with soap and water before focusing on relieving the itching and inflammation with calamine lotion, antihistamine creams, corticosteroid creams or cool compresses. After chiggers make tiny holes in our skin, they inject saliva that turns cells into mush for food. Using an insect repellent that has DEET or wearing clothing treated with an insecticide like permethrin before you venture outside can help deter chiggers. Apply the bug spray to areas where chiggers might travel from clothing to your skin, like the waist of your pants and the tops of your socks. Some studies have suggested that natural sprays may help keep chiggers away. Wear long sleeves and long pants, with your pant legs tucked into your socks. Chiggers avoid people sporting a dorky look.

 

Many birds eat ants, but northern flickers have a particular fondness for them. Woodpeckers, like flickers and pileated woodpeckers, use their long, sticky tongues to lap up ants. Other birds that regularly eat ants include wrens, grouse, starlings, sparrows, crows, wild turkeys, robins, blackbirds and cardinals. Gulls, common nighthawks, flycatchers, swallows and swifts feast on flying ants. They eat all those ants without needing an antacid.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.”—Maya Angelou.