Wisdom is heavy

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

I have the memory of an elephant.

Really?

Yes, I remember seeing an elephant at a fair when I was nine years old.

 

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING TOO

Folklore said if a woman saw a robin flying overhead on Valentine’s Day, it meant she would marry a sailor. If she saw a sparrow, she would marry a poor man. If she saw a goldfinch, she would marry a rich person.

 

That’s utter nonsense.

 

Don’t you believe in superstitions?

 

Not even one. Knock on wood.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. It was a nice day. People noticed. “What a nice day,” they said. Yet the neighborhood was on alert. There’s a belief that nice winter weather means nasty weather is coming. That fostered the opinion that the bitter cold was merely taking a short nap.

 

All the partakers of my exercise class (it’s rehab therapy) weighed in like boxers before the big fight. Apparently, wisdom is heavy.

 

Someone had asked me, “What kind of squats do you do in that class?”

 

“Diddly,” I replied.

 

The rehab gym installed TVs on its walls. I used a recumbent cross-trainer while watching the Winter Olympics athletes do uncomfortable things.

 

The Olympics began in 776 B.C. in Olympia, Greece. It was held every four years to honor Zeus, the CEO of the Greek gods. Competitors were naked, and the sole prize for victory was an olive wreath.

 

I’m not sure what I observed on the TV screen was the genuine Olympics because no one was naked.

 

I saw aerial ski jumping where skiers launched themselves from a snow ramp like human cannonballs. In the air, they flipped like pancakes, twisted like pretzels, and landed like cats before letting their innards settle.

 

Then I watched a cross-country ski race, an absurd looking and grueling contest wherein all the participants emerged from one tiny car and attempted to ski uphill while wearing their clown shoes.

 

The final event of my viewing trifecta was the biathlon, which combined cross-country skiing and firing a .22-caliber rifle. The Summer Olympics biathlon combines shooting pool and sumo wrestling.

 

A friend tried a triathlon, which proved he wasn’t good at swimming, cycling or running.

I hoped to snag a gold medal for watching the Olympics while using a NuStep, but we have our own local Winter Olympics. We shuffle along like penguins and are disqualified in the medal competition if we fall on the ice with a thud.

 

If you’ve remained upright, you are a world-class athlete. Congratulations. See you on the podium.

 

I’VE LEARNED

If you know who Captain Kangaroo was, your knee hurts.

 

The one who takes the photos for the menu is not the cook.

 

I’m renting a time machine next month.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

I took the airline to court for losing my bags. I lost my case.

 

If a king sleeps on a king mattress, and a queen sleeps on a queen mattress, what does a prince sleep on? An heir mattress.

 

My neighbor thinks all politicians should serve two terms—one in office and one in prison.

The woman at the hotel’s desk told me they had no rooms available. I told her my name was "Improvement," and there's always room for improvement.

 

"Do you have any favorite books?”

 

"Yes, 1984."

 

"Wow, that’s a lot of books!"

 

NATURE NOTES

The DNR reported that the EagleCam pair has been spending more time at the nest, enhancing it by adding grasses and new sticks. This is a sign that they are preparing the nest for egg-laying. Over the coming weeks, you will see more courtship displays between the pair and increasing activity at the nest. In past seasons, EagleCam pairs have laid eggs in mid-February. Watch for an adult sitting in the bowl of the nest and not leaving—that is likely the female and a sign she has laid an egg. Female bald eagles lay one to three eggs over several days and begin incubating the first egg as soon as they lay it. Eagles usually lay their eggs two or three days apart but can lay eggs up to five days apart. The parents share incubation duties. Eagle eggs hatch after 34-39 days of incubation, so if this season follows past years, there should be signs of a chick in the nest as early as mid-March. Check it out at mndnr.gov/eaglecam

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“Kind hearts are the gardens. Kind thoughts are the roots. Kind words are the blossoms. Kind deeds are the fruits.”—Kirpal Singh