The neighborhood crop watch

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

  I go to the gym four days a week.

  I don’t have a gym membership. I work out at home.

  Good for you. How many pushups can you do?

  I can do four if they’re cherry-flavored and three if they’re orange, but only one if it’s grape.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

  I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I’d gotten off an interstate highway where the conversion rate to 70 mph on a sign equaled 90 mph in reality, and turned onto a rural road where the pickup ahead of me was driving so slowly, insects were smashing against its rear window. The driver’s head was on a swivel. He was doing a neighborhood crop watch and trying to count 33,000 corn plants in each acre. I waved at everyone, including some cows. It’s a rural law. The cows were Holsteins, Rorschach tests on the hoof. I drove through a sea of corn sweat and storage units to get to a grocery store. Steven Wright said, “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” We know where it’s put—into storage units. Inside the store, I grabbed an item from a shelf that a vertically challenged woman was unable to reach. I pointed out the path to be taken by a shopper who had asked, “Could you direct me to the ketchup aisle?” And I still didn’t get to have a prime parking place for employees. It seems unfair that you have to work there in order to get one of those prized places to plop a vehicle. While I searched for the organic Twinkies, I encountered a friend who was calling his wife in a neighboring aisle to make sure he was getting the right kind of rolls. There were too many choices. Name brand or store brand? That was a close call. I concluded my shopping chores and headed home. The cat greeted me at the door. She was likely unaware that I’d been gone, but was happy to see bags that might hold feline food. The wonderful writer Anne Tyler wrote, "Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul—chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"

 

I’VE LEARNED

  I asked the cat what two minus two was. She said nothing. That feline is a genius.

 

  A guy told me the moonwalk was faked, but he’s wrong. I saw Michael Jackson do it.

  To drink upstream from the herd.

 

  If there is someone you should thank but haven’t got around to doing it, today is the day to show your gratitude.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

  I accidentally inhaled deodorant spray this morning. Now, I speak with an Axe scent.

 

  My wife says I ruined her birthday again, which is crazy, because I didn't even know yesterday was her birthday.

 

  Why do vampires avoid corporate jobs? They're afraid of stakeholders.

 

  When does butter become an insect? When butter flies.

 

NATURE NOTES

  “Why do birds mob hawks and owls?” It may look as if fools are rushing in, but it’s a defense mechanism. Songbirds hope predators will leave once their cover has been blown. The feathered mob uses alarm calls to attract a mixed species of birds willing to set aside their differences and confront a common enemy. Adults might demonstrate correct behavior to immature birds, and it might be an opportunity for a bird to impress potential mates.

 

  The blue jays lifted the peanuts in a shell to find a heavy, meaty one. They’re like me picking up watermelons in an attempt to discover melon perfection. Blue jays are beautiful, but don’t lend them any money.

 

   Deer begin molting in August and September, which is triggered by hormonal changes that reflect the changing seasons. The reddish summer coat turns into a faded gray or brown color as the winter coat grows.

 

  Jewelweed or spotted touch-me-not blooms in late summer, signaling the beginning of hummingbird migration. Hummingbirds begin to migrate south as early as mid-August, with most leaving the state by the end of September—although stragglers remain into October. The stems and leaves of jewelweed have a clear sap that’s soothing to minor skin rashes and insect bites. That’s a good thing because jewelweed hangs out in the same places that poison ivy and stinging nettle do. Jewelweed can ease the itch caused by poison ivy and stinging nettles.

 

 MEETING ADJOURNED

   “People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.”—Kent M. Keith. Be kind.