Do you read your horoscope?

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFER’S CLUB MEETING

  I can see into the future.

  When did you learn you had that gift?

  Next Thursday.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

  I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. The rain came down. Does it ever go up? Yes, when I worked in Colorado, it was raining up in the mountains.

 

  I followed my wife as she pushed a shopping cart out of a store, when I was rear-ended by a young man pushing a cart at a speed too high for conditions. He dinged my ankle. He apologized profusely. I walked to the car. I had no limp, and I recognize a limp. I have a long history of limping. I once had a papercut so deep, I developed a limp. Excessive speed is a problem everywhere except in sports.

 

TALES FROM THE TOWNSHIP

  In the early days of the Township, a church council meeting took place. There was a motion made and seconded to buy a chandelier. The President asked if there was any discussion. Cletus had something to say. He always had something to say. Every board has a guy like Cletus. Said he, “If we buy a chandelier, we’ll have to order it from Sears and Roebuck. That’s a big problem. There isn’t a man here who can spell ‘chandelier.’ Then, if we ordered the chandelier from Sears and Roebuck, and it was delivered to the church, nobody in our church knows how to play it. But what concerns me the most is that we don’t need to spend money on a chandelier when what we really need are lights.”

 

THOSE THRILLING DAYS OF YESTERYEAR

  I saw a magazine ad from the 1940s featuring a picture of Johnny Roventini, the famous bellhop/spokesman for Philip Morris cigarettes, who recommended readers call for Philip Morris. The text read, “NO WORRY ABOUT THROAT IRRITATION–even when YOU INHALE!” The ad read, “This exclusive proved Philip Morris superiority is reported by eminent doctors—who compared the leading popular cigarettes: The smoke of the four other leading brands averaged more than three times as irritant as the amazingly different Philip Morris—an irritant effect which lasted more than five times as long! You can't help inhaling—BUT you can help your throat!”

 

I’VE LEARNED

  A philofelist is a lover of cats.

 

  According to Lindy Energy, the 10 states with the most wind turbines in 2021 were Texas (17,779), Iowa (6,173), California (6,088), Oklahoma (5,177), Kansas (3,959), Illinois (3,461), Colorado (2,905), Minnesota (2,688), North Dakota (2,194) and Oregon (2,121). These states have installed giant fans outdoors to combat hot temperatures.

 

  Not knowing much about Greek mythology is my Achilles wheel.

 

  Things that fall out of a refrigerator never land on their feet.

 

I WONDER

  Do CPAs hear invoices?

 

  How many rodeo clowns can ride one horse?

 

  Why are false teeth called dentures and not substitooths?

 

  Is there an acoustic eel?

 

ASK AL

  “How do you console an English teacher?” They're, there, their.

 

  “You’ve led cruise ship tours; do you have any advice for going on one?” Don’t bring food.

 

  “Do you read your horoscope?” No, it told me not to.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

  A man told his doctor, "I think my DNA is backwards." The doctor replied, "And?"

  I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool during his origami workshop. I can't believe I lost the Rock's paper scissors.

 

  My cousin hates being a waiter, but it puts food on the table.

 

NATURE NOTES

  The largest spider in Minnesota is the fishing spider, which is 1 1/4 inches long; 3 1/2 inches long when its legs are included. It’s brown with three chevron markings usually visible on the abdomen, and it has banded legs. Associated with ponds, swamps and slow-moving streams, it’s a predator of insects and occasionally tadpoles and small fish. It doesn’t harm people.

 

  “Are they ladybugs or lady beetles?” The terms ladybug and lady beetle are interchangeable, although lady beetle is more scientifically accurate. All ladybugs are lady beetles because they aren't bugs at all. They are beetles.

 

  “What is the best nectar for a hummingbird feeder?” Mix 1 part white table sugar with 4 parts water. I don’t always boil the water, but it helps the sugar dissolve. Don’t add red food coloring to entice hummingbirds. The red parts of the feeder attract the birds’ attention. Don’t use honey, fruit juice, soda, sugar substitutes, syrups or brown sugar.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

  “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”—Matthew 7:3. Be kind.