Say the nice thing

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

How’s your telemarketing job going?

I quit.

How come?

It wasn’t my true calling.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I was a major piece of the day’s puzzle. I stopped at a cemetery to put things in perspective. A couple meandered through the cemetery looking for one name but finding many. The woman stopped at one gravestone and said, “So that’s why I don’t see him around.”

 

Afterwards, I stopped at the Farmers Market. Great people and great produce are found there. There was a good-sized table holding nothing but beets. One customer bought them all. I supposed beet pickles were going to be made. The vinegary beets in my school lunches were canned and disliked. They were served sliced, cold and pickled. The beet juice frequently bled into neighboring foods, turning them pink. I didn’t find that charming. Beets weren’t high on children's culinary preferences, but the school didn’t skip a beet.

 

A friend said beets have an earthy taste. A polite way of saying they taste like dirt. I’ve sipped beet juice, after being told it had a sweet and earthy flavor, and it did—like wet dirt. I’ve eaten a red soup called borscht. It had beets, cabbage, potatoes, onions and carrots in a broth with a dollop of sour cream on top. It was mighty good.

 

BUYING THE FARM TWICE

A friend gave me letters sent to a local banker in 1926. One letter confirmed that a farmer had paid off his mortgage. It was brimming with glad tidings. Not long after that, the correspondence shifted to sadness in a report of that farmer’s death. He had bought the farm shortly after buying the farm.

 

I’VE LEARNED

Never play Twister with an octopus.

 

Frankenstein’s monster was a people person.

 

If someone asks, “Do you know what your problem is?” There’s no need to answer. They will tell you.

 

North Carolina has the highest rate of venomous snake bites per capita of any state.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

A weasel goes into a bar. The bartender says, “Interesting. I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.

 

I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159. Then it just CLIX.

 

You never appreciate what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

 

NATURE NOTES

"Sometimes", said Pooh, "the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." I enjoy watching butterflies flutter past me on their meandering routes. Cabbage white butterflies, which aren’t uncommon in my yard, flew here and there. They are native to Europe and Asia, and are an introduced species in the U.S. Their caterpillars feed on members of the cabbage or mustard family.

 

American white pelicans are fish herders. They hunt by herding fish into shallow water and taking part in a feeding frenzy, rather than diving like brown pelicans. White pelicans often fish together in groups, coordinating their movements by forming lines and driving fish toward the shore or other pelicans. They dip their bills into the water to catch fish in their throat pouches. Contrary to cartoon portrayals and common misconceptions, pelicans do not carry food in their bill pouches. They use their bills to scoop up food but swallow their catch before flying off. Pelicans feed their chicks by regurgitating partially digested fish from their gular pouches into the chicks' mouths or onto the ground. Yum! As the chicks grow older, they learn to reach directly into the parents' throat pouches to retrieve a meal. American white pelicans and double-crested cormorants frequently swim together and sometimes forage together. They do hunt at different depths—pelicans are surface-feeders and cormorants are divers and deep-feeders. Two pelican species are native to the United States: the American white pelican is commonly found inland and in freshwater habitats, and the brown pelican is primarily found along coastal areas, including beaches, lagoons and islands.

 

On warm, humid nights, the phenomenon known as “heat lightning” is commonly observed. The sky flickers with light, even on a clear night with a starry sky. No sound goes with the flash, although if you’re listening to an AM radio, you will hear crackles of static when you see a flash. What we see is the light from a distant thunderstorm at a distance too far for the sound of the thunder to be heard. Thunder’s sound rarely travels over 10 miles. The term “heat lightning” comes from the fact that it’s most often seen on warm, humid nights during July and August, causing an association with sultry temperatures. The light from an intense thunderstorm can be seen as far away as 100 miles.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

Say the nice thing.