Saving a Jaguar with a borrowed flashlight

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB

  Where are you coming from?

 

  I’ve been at the gym. I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Do you think you could do that?

 

  Easy-peasy. I once watched a man do 100 pushups.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

  I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I leaned into the wind. I’d lost enough weight that I’d become wary of a brisk wind. The weather had become normal, which means it was strange. I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear that a volcano was on its way to South Dakota. I’ve visited the Arenal Volcano in Costa Rica. That volcano is in a resting phase. No fiery lava. I recalled sitting around a fire in a friend’s backyard. We were talking smart while toasting marshmallows. We heard a commotion nearby. A neighbor’s car was on fire. Never buy a Mercury Volcano. We ran over to see. That’s what we did in those days. Someone used a fire extinguisher. The car's owner stood nearby. She looked our way to see the three of us standing in the glowing light of a burning vehicle, each holding a marshmallow on a stick.

 

Saving a Jaguar with a borrowed flashlight

 

  In college, I lived in several places. One was a building with an “Unfit for Human Habitation” sign on its front door, which didn’t preclude it from being rented to college students. Another residence was a large apartment building filled with college students and other slackers. There were a few renters with worthy goals who were in the process of achieving them. I regularly greeted one of those industrious fellows with, “Good morning, Colonel. It’s a nice day to work on a Jag.” The JAG didn’t reference his service as a military lawyer (Judge Advocate General’s Corps), but he had been a colonel. A cousin of mine shared that rank in the Army. The Colonel had retired from the armed forces and was pursuing a degree in something or other. The Jag alluded to his car, a Jaguar. He also possessed a Fiat—“Fix It Again Tony.” I’d known no one who had owned a Jag. The acronyms for Jaguar were: “Just Another Ghastly Unbelievably Annoying Repair,” “Just A Guess U Are Rich,” and “Jaguars Always Guarantee Unlimited Astronomical Repairs.” The Colonel didn’t drive it much because the Jag needed constant repair. I wasn’t much help as he struggled to fix his car, but I held the flashlight for him when darkness came. I was battle-tested. I’d been trained in the art of flashlight holding by my father. Dad didn’t own a Jaguar. The closest we came was a giant yellow tomcat, but we had many farm machines in constant need of repairs in the dark.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

  Who eats snails? People who dislike fast food.

 

  What should I do if I encounter a giant snail? Walk for your life.

 

  My wife said to me, "You haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way for her to start a conversation.

 

NATURE NOTES

  I love watching the snowbirds (dark-eyed juncos) with their white outer tail feathers that are indistinct when the birds are at rest, but make for a prominent signal when they flash in flight. Those white feathers present a marked contrast to the dark ground.

 

  While on the subject of white feathers, keep an eye out for tumbling flocks of snow buntings foraging for seeds in fields and on roadsides. The restless birds flash white and black as they fly, and don't stay in one spot for long. They have feathers covering their ankles, and when the cold gets serious, snow buntings bury themselves in snowdrifts for warmth. They are bigger than a junco, but smaller than a robin. They are also smaller than an ostrich.

 

  There is a group of raccoons that hang around the yard, hoping to become emotional support raccoons. I shine a flashlight and catch a raccoon looking back at me with its reflective red eyes. A raccoon’s eye features a structure called a tapetum lucidum, which reflects light, enabling the animal to see well in low-light conditions. The reason raccoons tend to gaze at humans who are confronting them is probably because they are nearsighted. They have a remarkable ability to discern movement, as do many predators. Their eyeshine may be the reason I use gaze as the collective noun for raccoons. Gaze is a suitable moniker, but mostly I call them way too many raccoons.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

  “Remember, there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.”—Scott Adams.