'I'll become a bouillionaire'

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

It’s a great day.

What happened?

The bulb in my car’s “check engine” light finally burned out.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. Each year, I suffer through an agonizing phenomenon called winter. I know it’s been a prolonged cold spell when people stop asking me if it’s cold enough for me. The degrees below zero are louder than the degrees above zero.

The blessing is that the numbing temperatures boost long underwear sales.

There were rumors of the temperature hitting 40 degrees in a few days. Palm trees moving in a tropical breeze danced in my mind on a day so cold the pipes froze in my snow globe. One day, in an endless glacial spell, I dug out a scarf my mother had given me when I was in high school. It still fits. It was good to make it through another January. I grew up with an outhouse. The worst part of January was that the outhouse mystically moved farther from the house.

 

I wished for friendlier weather. I wished hard and it warmed enough to snow.

Acres of lonesome ground became an arresting vista of snowfields. It was lucky that there was room for it. The snow hadn’t made a reservation.

 

I’VE LEARNED

An opinion should not be used as a battering ram.

 

It shouldn’t take much for something to be a big deal.

 

I had to give away my old Operation game because my insurance company denied coverage.

 

I stopped to eat at a Cracker Barrel in Missouri. It’s a place to make America grits again. I stumbled around and through a staggering selection of merchandise in its gift shop while waiting a few minutes to be seated. Once inside the restaurant proper, I was greeted by walls and a ceiling adorned with old signs, farm equipment and household items. The chain is trying to reduce the clutter presented for my enjoyment. They need not do that for me. I welcome the clutter as long as I don’t have to eat it. There, I enjoyed a savory meatloaf dinner while staring up at a fence wire puller. I asked the server if part of her job was being able to identify the implements hanging on the walls and from the ceiling. It wasn’t part of her job description.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking.” Apparently, the correct terms for a funeral director to use are “Cremation” or “Burial.”

 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. I have a workstation.

 

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamuses hiding in trees? Because they’re good at it.

 

I’ve started investing in stocks. Chicken, beef and vegetable. I know it’s risky, but with any luck, I’ll become a bouillionaire.

 

I accidentally sprayed men’s deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a weird Axe scent.

 

I bought a dog from a blacksmith. He seemed to like his new home, but the minute I turned my back, he made a bolt for the door.

 

NATURE NOTES

The January day was headed for perfection, but it was a long trip, even if it knew a shortcut. It was -20 degrees and it was windy. That’s an invitation to stay indoors. Mama didn’t raise any fools, so I waited until it warmed up to -18 degrees, a less than drastic improvement, before heading outside. I tried to do the right thing by my neighbors by feeding the birds. Birds are my neighbors. It was quiet as I trudged along briskly, if a person can trudge along briskly. Then, I heard the voice of a harbinger of hope. A white-breasted nuthatch sang its spring song—a rapid, nasal, “way-way-way-way.” The bird gave voice to an appreciation for a new day.

 

Some owls commonly forage at the same height as vehicles, making them prone to vehicle collisions. Spilled grain, bags of chips, half-eaten cheeseburgers and beverage containers litter the edges of our roadways. Rodents love to snack on discarded food scraps and grains, and the owls love to snack on the rodents that love to snack on those food scraps and grains. Once an owl zeroes in on a mouse or vole, it doesn’t notice traffic. Owls hunt at low altitudes at night, flying close to the ground where vehicles are traveling.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“The very nature of kindness is to spread. If you are kind to others, today they will be kind to you, and tomorrow to somebody else.”—Sri Chonmony.