How many husbands to change a lightbulb?

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

My expensive watch with a lifetime guarantee stopped working.

 

Is the company going to replace it?

 

No, but one of their representatives is going to call me every hour on the hour and tell me what time it is.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. It was foggy. That gave me a good excuse for having a foggy mind. The fog was so thick… How thick was it? It was so thick, I had to go indoors to see my shoes. Fog, ice and January. That’s piling on. There should be a penalty.

 

I exercise every day. I get a good cardio workout by putting on my socks. My goal is to stand up without becoming a one-man band.

 

A SCENE FROM A MARRIAGE

  My friends Ward and June are happily married, but they try to keep that fact a secret.

 

“We’ve been married for 47 years, and we’ve never agreed on a single thing,” declared Ward.

 

“We’ve been married 48 years,” interjected June.

 

FROM THE MAILBAG

Mark Christenson of Columbia Heights wrote, “Your mention of blizzards reminded me of an old Laurel and Hardy movie, "Pardon Us.” Stan Laurel was asked to define the word "blizzard." Stan answered, "A blizzard is the inside of a buzzard."

 

VIETNAM VETERANS MEMORIAL

I’ve visited The Wall in Washington, D.C. several times. Columns of over 58,000 names that weren’t all strangers to me. The granite held the engraved names of kin. The most common surname was Smith, with 663; 15 of them named Michael Smith. Philadelphia's Thomas Edison High School had 64 of its students killed in the conflict in Vietnam.

 

I looked at the rows of names. Memories have thinned; the sounds of voices have faded. The living mark the departures. I took rubbings and photos for relatives. Looking back at me, my reflection in some photos reminded me to remember those on The Wall. Tears were all I had to offer. We aren’t diminished by tears. We are made more by shedding them.

 

I’VE LEARNED

A car key travels more than the car.

 

The protective case for my landline phone is my house.

 

To dance like everyone is looking at their phones.

 

Leftovers pair well with instant replays.

 

My sister was lucky. She had two brothers. I had only one.

 

How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but I don’t need to be reminded of it every three months.

 

NATURE NOTES

I saw an old movie where a bald eagle produced the call of a red-tailed hawk. The hawk’s call was used because it sounded fiercer than an eagle’s, was easy to dance to, and was more recognizable than the giggles and screams of a bald eagle.

 

A legend says that back when the world was new, the bald eagle had the voice of a symphony, an aria and a rock concert rolled into one song. When the eagle sang, the world stopped to listen—mesmerized by the beauty of its song. But when the eagle was quiet, the world became too quiet. The gods formed a committee, and after 173 meetings, the gods decided the eagle's voice should be shared with the other birds. Because lawyers had yet to be invented, the eagle had no choice but to comply. Every bird got a voice, eliminating the world's awkward silences. The bald eagle was left with its current vocals that sound as if it’s lamenting the loss of its enthralling song.

 

“My uncle told me opossums came to Minnesota in giant hay bales. Is he correct?” Uncles are seldom correct about anything. I know because I am one. A giant hay bale is no place for anyone with hay fever, and there’s no first-class section. They don’t even offer tiny bags of pretzels. I’ve heard tales of opossums hitchhiking in hay bales. It might have happened occasionally, but it wasn’t a dependable means of travel. They allegedly caught rides on trucks hauling hay bales northward to the Gopher State, where they’d be served in school lunch programs. Few opossums drove trucks, as arcane laws made it difficult for opossums to obtain driver’s licenses. What’s a plodding mammal that’s slow in processing information and not dressed for winter doing here? They’re ardent Minnesota Gopher fans. They don’t stockpile food, hibernate or accumulate body fat reserves. Farms and cities along the roads and rivers offered paths for travel and food. Cities provided a welcome heat island effect.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.”—Anthony J. D'Angelo.