Don't follow in the footsteps of a Roomba

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

  We’re having a family Christmas party early and then my wife and I are headed to Texas.

  Why do you go to Texas each winter? Is it just because it’s warmer?

  Of course not. I come from good stock, and I can take the cold. I go to Texas each winter because I find it easier to like the weatherman there.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

  I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. There is a vast untapped amount of winter ahead, but I had weathered the first storm. Being indoors helped. I’d been chased and cased indoors by the cold and snow. It gets so dark so early, it’s difficult not to be a night owl. As W. C. Fields said in the film “The Fatal Glass of Beer,” “It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.” My brakes had been applied, but after the storm had subsided, I bundled in multiple layers of clothing, giving me sweat equity in winter, and walked to the end of the drive. The snow was deep, the temperature cold, and the wind was knifing. It was bags of fun.

 

  It was 11 degrees. The forecast had been for a low of 15 degrees. I did some quick math and discovered I was getting a bad deal. I wanted those 4 degrees. Did it help to whine, even if only to myself, about the missing 4 degrees? No, it wasn’t long before it was 12 degrees below zero.

 

  A neighbor said he figured he’d received 7 inches of snow. He’s a humble fellow who underestimates. I told him I’d gotten 7 feet of the white stuff at my place.

 

TRUNCATED TALES

  Don’t try to follow in the footsteps of a Roomba. They don’t have any feet and they run into walls.

 

  The sign on a jewelry store’s window read, “Watch Batteries Installed.” I almost went in, but I didn’t think it’d be that entertaining to watch.

 

  I found a store worker I knew and asked her where I could find the nuts. I’ll bet she wished she carried a mirror so she could show me one.

 

  If humans were meant to fly, being in an airport would be more fun.

 

  In Costa Rica, I learned that the country is the largest exporter of fresh pineapple. That scrumptious and juicy fruit is why Costa Rica is the pineapple of my eye.

 

THE HAWK

  What is the hawk they talk about in Chicago? It could be the nickname of Ken Harrelson, called the Hawk because of his distinctive profile. Ken Harrelson spent 33 years as the play-by-play announcer on the Chicago White Sox broadcast. It could be Harrelson, but I doubt it. I suspect the "hawk" they’re talking about refers to the icy-cold, damp winds that blow off Lake Michigan in the winter. It got the name because the bone-chilling winds are as fast as a flying hawk, and the biting cold is as sharp as a hawk's talons. Ken Harrelson said “dadgummit” often and called bloop hits that landed between fielders "duck snorts." He might have watched the TV show "The Real McCoys," starring Walter Brennan as Grandpa Amos, for whom "dadgummit" was his hayseed catchphrase.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

  How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a lightbulb? Whatever.

 

  A frog had a DNA test and learned he was mostly Irish, part English, some German and a tad Pole.

 

  A man went to see a doctor about the pain he had everywhere. The doctor told him to touch his shoulder. He did and said it really hurt. The physician told him to touch his stomach. He did and again complained of a terrible pain. The doctor asked him to touch his ankle. He did as directed and writhed in pain. The doctor said, "Just as I suspected. You have a broken finger."

 

NATURE NOTES

  Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum it could be done. Opossums frequently end their lives singing, ”On the road again.”

 

  Don’t eat the blue snow. When eastern cottontail rabbits eat buckthorn, they excrete a chemical from the plant in their urine, which turns blue in sunlight.

 

  Gulls, pelicans, storks, geese and ibises have black feathers on the trailing edges of their wings. The black feathers protect a wing from wear and tear. Black feathers contain melanin, which makes feathers stronger. Feathers with melanin have a tougher layer of keratin—the same substance found in human fingernails—compared to feathers without melanin.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

 “Kindness is like snow- It beautifies everything it covers.”―Kahil Gibran.